Tayari's Blog: Pretty Little Boxes are For Pretty Little Girls

Comment #1, by Yvonne

I worked for a reading series in Dallas. The head of the program asked me what I thought about telling an upcoming writer (a well-known gay author) to tone down his material when he read at our program. She was worried he would offend the audience.

I asked why she had invited him if she was worried he would offend people. She said she hadn't read his work before inviting him.

I thought people coming to see this author would be familiar with his work and I assumed adults who had willingly purchased tickets would not be shocked.

I don't think this kind of censorship is ever a good idea. If programs are really worried about offending people, they can have a sign or disclaimer about "adult language" or something along those lines.

Comment #2, by Michael Fauver

This entry brought to mind one of your workshops at GW.

We weren't discussing the problem of reading profanity; we were talking about how to approach writing it. A classmate wrote a story that repeatedly used the words "freak" or "frick" as synonyms for "fuck" (e.g., "That was frickin' amazing.") You said, "I think we can fuck, but I don't think we can frick."

I couldn't have agreed with you more. Words like "frick" draw too much attention themselves. There's nothing wrong with profanity. It should be used like a seasoning: in moderation and with a specific effect in mind.

Comment #3, by photowrite

Thank you for this post. Please, excuse me while I rant a little. Your post really hit a nerve with me because I relate to your feelings of trying to step outside of the image that folks have for you. As you example in your experience at your reading, women too often seem held to different expectations then men. Several years ago, I was privileged to be part of the Indianapolis Black Expo first Literary Pavilion. In the midst of folks who had planned hairdos and coordinated ensembles for weeks, I’m sure I looked like the small town girl that I am. I was growing out my natural hair and wearing some crazy outfit because I had no clue what “an author” should wear. On this day, I had decided to try not to stand out. Anyway, the main writer featured was BeBe Moore Campbell. I was thrilled. During the explosion of African-American books, I was with child or raising children and dealing with life-craziness. I didn’t get to read much. But, one book I did get to read was Ms. Campbell’s “Brothers and Sisters”. So, though I was broke as always, I bought a copy of Ms. Campbell’s newest, “72 Hours” and asked her to sign it. She was beautiful and perfectly put together. Petite, hair bobbed just right, and wearing a really cute suit. I told her how much I liked her book because it was one that interweaved contemporary social issues into the story line. She nodded, gave me a closed-lipped smile and signed the book. I was stoked. But, someone with me did not feel the same way. She thought Ms. Campbell was unfriendly and even wished for her money back for the book. I wondered, why did she have to be friendly? In my mind, she may have been guarded because of a sour experience in the past. She may have not felt well, or she simply may have had a bad day. Later of course, Ms. Campbell passed away from a brain tumor and we also discovered her daughter had struggled for years with mental illness. My point is this. We are writers. The most important part of what we bring to a book signing is between the covers of the books we write. Because we are women, how we speak, how we look, what we wear, whether we curse or do not, too often distracts readers/listeners from the words we write. That rankles at me because it diminishes our efforts. And, it bothers me even more because sometimes even I get distracted. I worry about saying the “right” thing, looking the right way, and when that happens I lose my connection to what’s most important to me. The writing.

That was almost five years ago. In the interim, I’ve figured out that having a book published is a privilege. It allows you the opportunity to share your thoughts and ideas to a wide audience. This second time around, I’m being published with an indie publisher as part of her first list. I am thrilled, have no idea what the ride will be like, but what I’ve decided is to “do me”. Life is short and opportunities like this are few, so I am freeing myself, to be myself, throughout the experience. Now, I realize the scrutiny will be greater for me as a woman than it is for men, so I expect criticism. This can be a challenge because women can face critique and dismissive treatment for looking too bad or too good. We can speak too well, or not well enough. We curse too much or not at all. Often it seems to be a no-win situation. Still, I’m determined to fight that distraction. I enjoy dressing nicely, but when I’m scheduled for appearances, I will not worry for days about what to wear, or about how to do my hair. I will not agonize about whether my frown-lines are visible are not. I’m 53. I have good days and bad ones. Nor will I cover myself with any ole thing, hoping to fade into the background. I WILL enjoy the experience and tell my story because I’ve discovered that’s exactly what some folk’s want.

It is unfair that as a female, my efforts as a writer have too often been minimized. Males in my life as have dismissed my work as “little” writings and men and women have dismissed me as being little more than a “pretty girl”, though I’m no spring chicken. It’s insulting and infuriating. I do not consider myself a literary writer. In fact, it is my goal to write popular fiction for the masses that also has some wisdom or insight tucked into the tale. But, I believe my efforts have as much merit as the male writers in the same genre who are respected for the popular tales they pen. I refuse to let people dictate who I am, what I should write and how I should behave. My older-woman encouragement to you Tayari is curse if you want to, frown if you want to, wear what you want to, because in the end, what matters most is the writing. Those who really enjoy your work will support your efforts.

Happy Writing.

Cheri