Tayari's Blog: Is That Why You Can't Talk?
Posted by TayariJones on August 23, 2009 09:59 PM
Filed under
Writing
An off-the-cuff status update on facebook has given me a whole new level of respect for the writers of memoirs. Yesterday, I wrote "Tayari is thinking of writing a memoir." And this was true. I was thinking about it. Just turning the idea over in my head. Most of the responses were positive, although one person begged me not to give up on fiction. Then two other people put their two- cents in. MY PARENTS.
My mom said "wonderful" at first. My father joked that as the daddy, he gets to make final edits. (I knew he was only half kidding.) And then a couple of days later, my mom sent me a txt that I should wait until after she is dead. (Another half-joke.) And this is about a book I haven't even decided to write yet!
It's funny how much just a little bit of (friendly, joking, why-do-you-have-to-take-everything-so serious) family pressure can freeze a person up. All I could think was how glad I am that I am already through with my new novel. Although it isn't really autobiographical, the notion of parental displeasure is a real creativity killer.
It's a hard place to be in. You want to write with honestly and truth, but you don't want to hurt anyone you love. Also, you really have no idea what is going to upset them. A couple of years ago I wrote what I thought was a charming little memoir essay for the New York Times, but everyone involved was not as charmed by my remembrances. It wasn't a big deal, but that incident knotted my stomach a little bit. I had somehow managed to offend when I hadn't even known myself to be on sensitive ground. I can't even imagine the landmines buried in the territory of a book-length memoir.
Of course, all this got me to thinking about the really candid memoirs I have read. Take for example Sue William Silverman's Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You or one of my all time faves, The Only Girl In The Car. I can't imagine how these women would have written if they were worried about anything other than the truth. Somehow they managed to shut out all the voices.
Sometimes, I can tell when my students don't feel brave enough to tell the real story. Their work has a certain distracted quality. Reading it reminds of the feeling you get when you are talking to on the phone to someone who sounds really weird. Finally I ask the person, "Is there someone else in the room? Is that why you can't talk?"
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Comment #1, by Jackie ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tayarijones.com/blog/nav-commenters.gif)
I took a memoir class earlier this summer and found it quite easy to mention my parents because they are deceased. Even if they had been alive, they would have disagreed with my version of my own life. Isn't that what parents do to protect their own secrets? I wrote a lot about one of my aunts who is still alive and annoying at 91 and it was liberating to put MY truth on paper without censorship. Besides my aunt knows nothing about this writing stuff (she thinks only crazy people write).
August 24, 2009 02:10 PM
Comment #2, by Jackie
I just read your NYT piece and it was wonderful! It is indeed idiosyncratic to be black southern and atheist. I am black, southern and know to keep my mouth shut around my relatives. Are you still atheist?
August 24, 2009 02:20 PM